Bad start for the week.

i lost my damn ezlink card, had gastric pain.

I just moved house.  I hope this means a new start, throwing away all the bad memories and keeping the good ones from the previous house.

After reading annette’s post, i  did some self-reflections.

Her posts always make me do self-reflection. chicken nehneh.

I realised, people keep commenting on how i look or why am i so ‘different’(in a bad way) from others.

But, don’t they realised they are no different as well.

I’m beginning to accept the way i am. Because there is no way i can change that.

And i thank people who keep commenting on me. Because their negative comments make me stronger.

I wanna go through a lot of ups and downs in life. This makes my life full of enriching experiences that one will only know the feeling after experiencing it. Though i will always think IF i have a smooth-sailing life, how great would that be…. BUT NO!!! I won’t be able to experience a lot of things if i had a smooth-sailing life.

Lastly, thank you to those people who helped me just now when i am in pain. thank you!!!!

ps: stupid annette, faster teach me how to make brownies luhhh.

What has got into you? You are finding ways to hurt my feelings,watching my every move,finding faults and laugh at all my mistakes.You spoil my happy moods,you want me to feel hurt because of you.You like to see me hurt, and like to push all the blame to me.Even when i use your stuff,you will question me.You just throw those unfinished stuff at me,and get yourself new ones.Recently, you like to seek attention.You are happy when guys notice you.Seeing you like this, being such an attention-seeker, is just like what i see myself in the past,what i hate about myself the most. You give me a feeling that you want me to lose my confidence, my attitude towards life, my self-esteem. And try any ways to make me sad and disappointed.

I admit, you are good to me most of the times. But because of these stuff you did, sometimes i really hate it. I have no one to turn to, and i can only tell her. She is the one who knows how i feel  when you do these things. I know, telling her all these will affect your friendship with her. But what about me? Does anyone know how i feel? You get pissed when i try to reason with you. You compare things that cannot be controlled.

 Yes, i am proud about certain stuff, i know that. But that’s what i think i can be proud of. I show off, but that’s just for fun. Maybe what you are doing is may be partly my fault, but shouldn’t you stop it? You’re older than me, you are mature than me. but why can’t you think about all these things you are doing isn’t the right things to do? Shouldn’t you know all these better than me? Or is it i haven’t been on my best behavior? Even at home? Can’t i even relax and don’t be on my best behavior at home? The house is the only place i can relax. The moment i step out of the house, i must constantly remind myself that i shouldn’t do this, i shouldn’t do that. Am i doing the right thing? What should i do when i made a mistake? And with you watching my every move, i can’t make mistakes and i feel suffocated. Stop. Please.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hope everyone will lead 2010 to the fullest!

I’m back from sri lanka!

But the trip is so-so. I’d been controlling my temper during the trip and i seriously want to bash him up.

But, what can i do? All i can do is treat as nothing had happened and try not to talk to him as much as possible. That’s because i will get annoyed if i talk to him. It seriously sucks to put on an ‘oh-my-gosh-you’re-my-close-friend’ attitude. But what can i do?

After visiting Sri Lanka, i had many thoughts. Putting aside the beautiful scenery of nature, the life of people is so different. The world is really unfair. The society out there is really complicated.

Sometimes, i wish i’m not born here. Sometimes i wish i am not a human. Mom says 能够做个认识你的福报. But if you are a human, your life gets really complicated and to have a simple life is difficult.

Anyway, i bought 2 books at the sri lanka airport.

The Da Vinci Code and My Sister’s Keeper.

I’m so tired now and my head is spinning. Gotta get some rest.

Just came back from Beijing!

Dec 2 to Dec 8 – Sri Lanka

Dec 14 to Dec 16/17- Genting

Dec 25 to… – Cameron Highland or Bangkok

Loads of hw not done.

Think i’ll bring my homework with me when i am overseas..

Though i’m addicted to you’re beautiful, but i can fully understand what the female character, mi nam, feels about acting as a guy when she is actually a girl.

I feel the same way too,not saying my character is the same as hers, like, my character is getting more and more boyish, and i  can’t help being fierce and wanting to punch people right in the face. I’m getting more and more violent, and i can’t control myself anymore.

I’d been trying not to do so but now it seems that i can no longer control my emotions. I don’t even know this is good or bad.

This stupid character of me makes me think whether i can as girly as normal girls. But when i do so, it is so uncomfortable. And no matter what i do, i can’t seem to be as normal as others. I don’t understand why i am like this, why i am born this way and i think my life sucks.

Even if i want to be girly, i can’t do so.

But, there is one thing that i can be very sure of, which is, i am definitely straight.

Annette! I need to talk to you. I mean, i have an urge to talk to you, seems like i have a lot to tell you. Gosh, seems like you’re going to be my listening ear already. Though i don’t want to be dependent on anyone, but i think i can only tell you my stuffs. Anyway, sorry for being like so- last time.

yea, this post might be super ‘lame luh’ or ‘wtf?’ . But i seriously don’t give a shit anymore. One thing good about my blog, not many people visit my blog, which means not many will know about this and i can pen down my thoughts here.

如何让我自己开心一点？

我真的很讨厌那种我自己也不知道的感觉。

这种感觉让我怀疑自己，胡思乱想。

我讨厌我现在的自己。

我一直在想，明年会更好吗？

希望搬家以后，我的生活比现在好。

为什么我找不到和那是一样的决心和努力？

我要做一个不倒翁，不管风吹雨打，也打倒不到我。

我不要现在的自己，那么脆弱，那么在意一些芝麻绿豆的事。

seriously luh. come on man. how old are you already? 19 years old and still don’t think before you speak.

Do you know 1 action or word can easily hurt a girl’s ego?

So what if you’re fit? So what if i have pimples?

Come on luh. Your skin condition isn’t anywhere better than mine. So keep your comments to yourself.

And so what if i am fat?　It’s not like you have abs.

And i can guess what you’re going to criticise me about next time. My weight.

Please luh. Most of it come from my brain. Unlike yours. Light? Cause you ain’t smart.

I didn’t scold you for saying all these right in front of your face is just being nice to you.

Come on, grow up kid.

Esquare camp- 26 oct to 11 nov.

Class bbq-12 nov.

Drama camp- 16 nov to 18 nov.

Beijing twinning programme-20 nov-29 nov.

I will be worn out this month.

Exco appointed me as the i/c of drama camp group. Still got to get busy with drama group performance, script, props and blah blah blah. And still, there is being meetings, performance, what assignments… This is sure gonna tire me out.

V.p says if the weather in beijing is too serious, he will cancel the trip. Please don’t cancel it. please. I don’t mind not seeing snow for the first time in my life as long as i can go.

The Esquare camp isn’t over and i am already getting tired easily everyday. How can i persevere until the end of the month?

After November, you can rest all you want. Pearlyn, fight and move on. I know you can do it. Be strong, like what people say. You are strong.

What the hell am i thinking? And what the hell are you doing? I just told myself to break this friendship and the next minute you messaged me. How am i supposed not to ignore your messages? I don’t like you, and i want to end this friendship because i don’t know what you’re thinking . I don’t know whether you will harm me anot. I went to your facebook and you said you’re in a relationship. And today, you tell me you broke off with her because it is unfair to you for accepting her when she is emo. So which is which? Maybe, i should just wait and see and not end this friendship until i know your true colours.

How fickle-minded can i be? I’m such a useless bum.

钱不是万能的，但是没有钱是万万不能的。

This is what my mom always says and i totally agree. How long are we going to suffer until the house is stable? How long will it take to clear the debts? I hope for a better year in 2010. Though it will be a busy year, i still look forward to it.

I really hope there will be a day where mom will change her mind and get us a dog. Seeing my cousin’s dogs at his house earlier in the afternoon, i start to remember what is the feeling of having a dog in your arms. That feeling makes me feel warm. It makes me feel secure. I’m looking forward to have another dog as my best friend, since my best friend passed away a year ago..I really agree with the saying ‘ A dog is a man’s best friend.’ That  is so true. I had flashbacks of fluffy licking away my tears when i cry, sitting beside me when i need someone to talk to.. and more. I know i shouldn’t be thinking of him again, but it should be okay to think of him once in a while..But sometimes i really wonder. After fluffy passed on.. where the hell did he went? I’ll get the answer… when i die. but that’’s gonna be at least 50 years down the road.

Thinking about dogs, i wonder. What job should i get? A job relating to dogs? or a job in media?

Well, i shouldn’t think anymore. Get some sleep pearlyn, your eyebags are getting heavier..